Not J-Lo

Madonna—she's the more important skanky ho.

The benefits of marriage

What if you stumble into a bar and there's no one you can have sex with? Well, if you're married, you can just go home.

I is smart

Designer 1: And there's just a giant Jesus statue with a giraffe head sticking out of it

Designer 2: That's the statue in fountain square

Pregnancy tests are less offensive

You just pee on it. You don't stick it anywhere.

By the way, all of your ideas suck

That's called polishing a terd.

I'm kidding—a little bit

I know nothing about anything.

Sarah Palin?

I don't want to call myself "Big Momma Grizzly." That name is already taken by someone in Alaska.