What's the difference?

He has sex with different women every night. I have sex with the same woman every night. Same amount of sex.

Our professor is so unfair!

I wouldn't go to the Ohio State Fair if you paid me. It's all fat people with t-shirts that are too tight.

Sometimes Professors know their students a little too well...

He didn't finish.

Jesus was italian...

Italians walk on water. They don't swim.

You learn how to swim when you're drowning

Diane wouldn't let me throw my sons in the water. I had to sit through their boring-ass swimming lessons for 3 months. They could have learned how to swim in 2 minutes if I had thrown them in.

Off the cuff

I don't want you to say, "Joe, you're an asshole."

When you change the color from orange to blue...

You're the bigger whore.