What's the difference?

He has sex with different women every night. I have sex with the same woman every night. Same amount of sex.

Our professor is so unfair!

I wouldn't go to the Ohio State Fair if you paid me. It's all fat people with t-shirts that are too tight.

Sometimes Professors know their students a little too well...

He didn't finish.

Jesus was italian...

Italians walk on water. They don't swim.

You learn how to swim when you're drowning

Diane wouldn't let me throw my sons in the water. I had to sit through their boring-ass swimming lessons for 3 months. They could have learned how to swim in 2 minutes if I had thrown them in.

Off the cuff

I don't want you to say, "Joe, you're an asshole."

When you change the color from orange to blue...

You're the bigger whore.

Bring a hammer to class

You should come and nail my butt daily.

Sex Design II

Everybody knows guys are different from girls, right? We don't need to get into that today.

I also have a handicapped sticker for the parking privileges

I carry this cane for the effect.

I'm ready to start teaching again

I took so many pain pills—it really screwed up my mind—I don't even know who I am.

Vitamins curb my enthusiasm problem

I know you guys are excited and taking your vitamins...

K, I'm done...

One day he'll just go home and never come back.

Still #1

Moochie is doing just fine. My wife is still #2. She knows that.

A gay against gay marriage

You have to go to 8 weddings this year? See, that's why I'm glad gays can't get married.

I have a confession to make...

I have metallic nipples.

You tell me...

How do you like to take it?

Just like Obama...

I'd love to see [coworker] smoked out in a room. Just [him] and smoke everywhere.

Shading expert? I am not...

Dude, my four year old daughter can shade better than that.

That hurts...

Did you mean for that to suck?